Hell is Other People’s Cars
Because of trivially complicated housing circumstances, Woofy and I found ourselves without a bed the other night. So we decided to take the afternoon off, rent a U-Haul, and drive to Ikea. Usually we take the free weekend shuttle with the rest of the plebs but this time we figured we’d be getting one over on the man because it was a weekday, so the crowds would be thin. We’d select our mattress (Sultan Forester), pick up some additional items (Eksjo, Jonisk) and be back in Manhattan in a jiffy. Little did we know that the density of crowds at Ikea is inversely proportional to the density of traffic on the NJ Turnpike.
Now I realize there was some controversy the last time I tried to give advice on this blog, but I beseech you, dear readers, pay heed this time.
Do not, under any circumstances, drive to Ikea. Do not try to beat the system by driving on your own in the middle of the week. The system will beat you. It will beat you soundly. It will steal your soul and leave you sobbing openly on the NJ turnpike, muttering: “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
Or maybe it’s just me.
I’ve been out of the country for a while, but I was wholly unaware of the apparent zombie attack on the road network of New Jersey. I was blissfully ignorant that it had become de rigueur to post erroneous signs with meaninglessly directional arrows, or to permit roadside trees to grow so large they blocked signage for arguably significant landmarks like, say, the Lincoln %^#$^& Tunnel!
Not that I will ever attempt the odyssey again, but my New Jersey native friend, Gidge, informs me that I made some classic rookie mistakes. Among them:
When you are trapped in the left lane and need to move right in order to exit, DO NOT SLOW DOWN AND INDICATE. This will only encourage cars to speed up and pass you on the right. The way to jump from the far left to the far right lane is to, and I’m paraphrasing here, just nudge your way in and let the other cars deal with it. If this can be accomplished while applying mascara and/or reading the newspaper even better.
I have never understood roadrage with such lamentable clarity as I did on that day. Why do people live in places that require them to drive? Are they all masochists? When I dropped off the U-haul and hailed a cab to take me home, I almost kissed the driver. It’s best to leave some things to professionals.
At any rate, I am happy to report that Sultan Forester, Eksjo, Jonisk and I are all getting along swimmingly and the next time I venture off the island, I will do so in the backseat of someone else’s vehicle.
Good to see that the rules that govern Ikea in london operate over there too!
Ikea also has the best implementation of sods law I’ve seen by far.
That part of New Jersey at night looks exactly like the opening scene of Blade Runner with the endless smokestacks and the belching flames. It also happens to be one of the worst traffic areas in the country because Newark airport is right next door. It’s only 20 miles or so from where I live; I can see the ascendant air planes from my window, but a drive to Ikea usually takes about 2.5 hours.
And, by the way, they deliver.
Damo, I think sod’s law is following Woofy and me around. I love Ikea but I hope I never have to return.
Matt, I’ve never seen that stretch of road-hell at night. I bet it’s actually quite lovely. The best part of the journey is watching the planes lumber downward toward you on their way to Newark airport.
Hi Lauren — just to let you know, your mailbox is full and email to you is bouncing back.
PS. The situation you describe here is approximately my experience of trying to navigate my shopping cart through the inside of an Ikea.
Phew! Thanks, Karen. I thought I’d suddenly become unpopular. Ikea is such a harrowing experience for some that friends of mine refer to the check out section as “The Divorce Pit.”
Mistake number one was leaving the city. There are plenty of mattress stores in Manhattan. Mistake number two was forgetting that all of them deliver and assemble (and probably for less than the cost of renting a truck). And mistake number three – even if you were dead set on shopping at IKEA, next time go to Hicksville (on Long Island) and stay out of Jersey. Sounds to me like you were just looking for trouble.
In retrospect, Missile, you’re probably right. But man, I thought I had this shit figured out. I used to be able to mobilize a crew of a hundred people plus equipment all over the tri-state area for various location shoots. I figured one little truck on the NJ turnpike would be a piece of cake. I must be losing my edge.
Yeah, go Hicksville. Although the Ikea there got me plenty sick last time with sub-zero AC (the staff wore parkas — it was July). [Interestingly, I stopped at the citibank nearby, which I later discovered was where they stored the actual Gospel of Judas for some 30 years. I kid you not. I'm not sure the lesson though. I didn't see "Gospels" as a withdrawal option on the ATM.]
When I had my car, I’d go over to the Costco on I-80 every three or four weeks. Not too bad during the day, but occasionally a mess. Jersey is one right turn short of a full loop.
Too bad I didn’t catch you about the free futon while you had the truck. Don’t buy a new midi keyboard (if you need one) until you talk to me.
Weird, Avi. I did buy a midi keyboard recently. I’m quite attached to it. It’s identical to the one I have in London. My goal is to faithfully replicate my London life in New York so flawlessly that when I wake up I won’t know which city I’m in.
Ah. In that case, might I suggest a fog machine?
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