What I Suck At
The holidays are upon us. I’m generally lukewarm about Christmas but I’ve always enjoyed the annual delusion-fest of the New Year’s Resolution. I have no recollection of any resolutions I’ve made in the past (except for that one time I resolved to find a boyfriend) so I can’t report on what my track record is when it comes to following through. Still, it’s as good a time as any to attempt self-improvement. And who doesn’t need a little of that.
To make the exercise more efficient and results-oriented, this year I’ve decided to begin by figuring out what my worst flaws are. As such, I’ve come up with the following list:
1) Multi-tasking. I can’t do it. If I attempt to exercise while making bread, I burn the bread. If I’m silently outlining my novel while you’re talking to me, I’m ignoring you. Unfortunately, with a baby, a husband, a career, and a punishing travel schedule, multi-tasking is essential. Much room for improvement here.
2) Focus. You’d think a person this incapable of multi-tasking would be undistractable, the kind of person who gets so deeply enmeshed in the task at hand that other tasks disappear. Think again. While I may be incapable of doing more than one task at a time, I’m very good at stressing about the tasks I’m currently not doing. This annoys me and everyone around me.
3) Eyeliner. Every once in a while, I get it exactly right and can’t believe how beguiling my eyes look. The rest of the time I look like an eight-year-old girl who just broke into her mother’s make up drawer. At 42, I should know how to apply eyeliner by now. I consider this an embarrassing developmental delay.
4) Nail biting. Is there any reason why I still do this? I get nothing out of it. It’s unhygienic and silly. And yet, I can’t resist.
That’s all I can think of for now. Undoubtedly there are more, but I’m so distracted now by the appalling state of my eye make up that I can’t focus any more and need to go bite my nails.
What do you suck at?
I suck at giving people “air kiss” greetings. I never know what to do, half the time I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a real kiss on the cheek, and once I accidentally kissed someone’s ear!
You’re not alone, Eugene. Kiss etiquette is woefully non-universal. Sometimes it’s one kiss, sometimes it’s two. And there’s that awkward pause between the two when you don’t know whether to go in for another. Once, in an attempt to do a double kiss, I accidentally kissed the host of a dinner party on the mouth.