In light of the recent Brexit vote here in the UK, I thought I’d share some lessons learned so that you, my dear American friends, can avoid making the same mistakes in the upcoming presidential election. 

 

  1. Words have meanings. If you’re ever in doubt as to what a word means, you can always Google it. For example, were you to Google the word “exit” you would find this definition: “go out of or leave a place.” I bring this up because apparently a large number of Brits who voted to “exit” the European Union are now shocked that this means we will be “exiting” the European Union. Don’t make this mistake, my American friends. In advance of the upcoming election, you might want to consider Googling the following words: “wall, deport, ban, Muslim, Mexican.” That way, at least you won’t be surprised.
  2. Public policy is real (not theoretical). I’m just going to use Cornwall as an example here. Cornwall voted overwhelmingly to “exit” (see definition above) the European Union. Now that their vote has been successful, they are dismayed over the fact that they will no longer be receiving millions of pounds from the European Union. This is the equivalent of quitting the beer of the month club then complaining when the cases stop coming. Best to consider the ramifications of your vote before voting. 
  3. Votes count. When you cast a vote for something, that vote is then counted as a vote for the thing you just voted for. Complicated, I know. But that’s how voting works. So, for example, if you’re voting for something just to “stick it to those London toffs,” which apparently is a common pastime in the UK, you should keep in mind that if there are enough morons like you out there, the thing you just voted for will actually happen. Please do not then complain that the thing you just voted for happened.

And finally, when it all goes tits up, and the thing you couldn’t imagine happening, actually happens because everyone has ignored my advice, here are some comforting insults you can throw at your fellow countrymen, courtesy of my UK friends. Brits may suck at referendums, but they’re awesome at insults.

twonk

cocksplat

bellend

absolute bellend

f*&ktrumpet

weaselheaded f%&knugget

gobshite

eejit

bloviating flesh bag

weapons-grade plum

clueless numpty