Then there are the men. Sorry fellas, but it’s time to put an end to the Man Blob. Take a look at this photo:

Look familiar? Yes, I thought so. You’ll notice that every one of these men appears as a shapeless lump of sexless meat. Now I get that some of them are packing a few extra pounds and may feel self-conscious about it, but here’s something most women manage to learn at some point in their development and most men seem to be ignorant of: extra volume ADDS TO bulk. It does not SUBTRACT FROM bulk. In other words, you’re not fooling anyone with all that fabric.

So, Solution Number One to the Man Blob Problem? Wear tighter clothes. I know. I know. You’re a guy. You’re not supposed to show off your curves. You’re supposed to be valued for your intelligence, your sense of humor, heck even your bank account. But here’s the thing, fellas. At the end of the day, no one wants to have sex with your intelligence, your sense of humor, or your bank account. It’s your body that matters. So show it off a little.

Now, Solution Number Two to the Man Blob Problem might surprise you. Show more flesh. Why? Simple. It’s a well-known, though little acknowledged, fact that, generally speaking, men don’t get cellulite. It’s totally unfair, an obvious conspiracy, and the fact that there isn’t a government panel or women’s organization actively looking into this mad discrepancy is a blot on feminism’s good name. But, alas it’s true. Most men, regardless of how much middle age has spread them, still have decent legs, good-looking knees and excellent arms. So why are you covering these beauties up? By all means, throw a tent over that beer gut if you must. But give us the knees. They may be your best assets.

Here’s what I’d suggest. Throw away those long, baggy cargo shorts (do you really need all those pockets? Are you carrying lots of tool?). Toss the XXXXX Large 3/4 sleeve T-shirt. And try something a bit more tailored. How about some nice, fitted chino-type shorts, rolled to just above the knee? And on top, why not a loose-fitting light cotton or linen button down shirt, rolled up over the elbows? Technically, you’re still wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. But now your best assets are showing and you look like someone who’s not ashamed of the fact that he has a body.

You’re welcome.

Overall, I’m underwhelmed by the quality of my own thoughts when they’re not tuned specifically to the task of writing novels. I think in the absence of this career I might have turned out rather flabby in the thinking department, and, worse still, a whiner. But there have been a few keepers among the detritus my vacationing mind has thrown up on the shores of consciousness. Here’s one:

Has an increase in mobility terminally frayed the ties that once kept us connected to one another? Would we all be better off if we lived and died in the same place, connected to the same people, rather than flinging ourselves all over the globe in search of adventure/excitement/enlightenment/cash, etc.? Or is this wanderlust part of our human nature?

I ask this not because I have any regrets. After all, I met my husband in a town neither of us grew up in and we adopted our daughter from yet another one. We are a full-blown transatlantic family and there is not a single member of this extended clan I could imagine living without.

But…

I am almost always in the unpleasant state of missing someone. Missing a lot of people, in fact. And it bothers me that my daughter will not have the same kind of upbringing I had. Her grandparents won’t pop over every weekend for a visit, because they live far away. Nor will she gather for cake and ice cream for every single cousin’s, aunt’s, uncle’s, and grandparent’s birthday. Instead, she’ll see members of her extended clan occasionally and, if she’s anything like her mother, spend the rest of her time missing them.

I don’t believe we can go back. I know I can’t. I think we are a mobile species and will continue to be so. Certainly email, video iChat, Facebook and youTube make the separations more bearable. But is bearable good enough? Or can we do better?

for about the fourth time.

The first time I finished was after a 6 week long fever dream wherein I ground out the first draft. This was done right after I sold my first novel to Random House in a 2 book deal. Thinks I: Awesome, I’m way ahead of the game with my second novel already in the can. Thinks they: Actually, we want another Cycler novel instead.

The second time I finished was over a year later. It had sat unread while I wrote (Re)Cycler and, when I returned it to it I was shocked to discover that it was actually quite bad. Moreover, it was basically the Cycler characters in a different setting. After much rewriting I was once again, finished.

Then I took a break, re-read it, and decided it was, at best, a good start. After much rewriting and a promise to deliver this much-delayed and, at this point, highly theoretical novel to my agent–oh yeah, and after finding the time somehow to adopt a baby during the process, I, once again, “finished.”

Then my agent sold it to Random House and my editor got her hands on it. Voila, not so finished any more.

Six months, later, a major shift in my thinking, and a massive rewrite later, I am–wait for it–finished.

I now await my editor’s second round of comments, after which, I will again be unfinished.

One might ask why I elect to use a word as loaded as “finished” to describe these various phases of the writing process. Perhaps I’d be better off just numbering the drafts and declaring “finished” the way economists declare recessions–i.e., after the fact. But this wouldn’t work. “Finished” is the reward toward which I labor. It’s the concept, delusory though it may be, that keeps me struggling. You can deal with the inevitable rewrites after you’ve had a few days, or a few weeks off. But you have to get to that point first. And after battling the beast month after month the last thing in the world you want to say to yourself is: cool, now I just have to do all of that over again.

So, yeah, for lack of a better word, I’m finished.

Ta!

In the interim, to keep up my function as philosopher general and finger in the eye of all unworthy of institutions, I thought I’d dash off this quick post to throw my support behind the New York Times for its thorough and continuing coverage of the Catholic church sex abuse scandal.

According to an editorial from the Public Editor today, The Times has come under attack on many fronts for its pursuit of the story and, in particular, for its coverage of the Pope’s involvement. I’m happy to see the paper stand firmly behind its coverage, despite the criticism. When an institution with the size, power, and reach of the Catholic Church is caught with its pants down, it is utterly critical that the media be there to report in full. Fear of offending catholics must never supplant a newspaper’s responsibility to speak truth to power. If the truth is ugly, then those who feel smeared by it ought to do some soul searching. If, for example, upon hearing the story of a priest who sexually abused hundreds of deaf children then solicited sex IN THE CONFESSIONAL, you find yourself worrying about the church’s image rather than the welfare of those children, perhaps your moral compass needs a bit of tuning up.

The Church stands accused of serious and widespread criminal and immoral acts. Though responsibility for the acts of sexual abuse belong squarely with the priests who committed them, responsibility for enabling further abuse clearly belongs to any church official who chose to relocate rather than prosecute an abuser. Moreover, the decision to cover up allegations rather than bring them to the attention of legal authorities can not be justified by any Christian moral doctrine I can think of.

Thou shalt not smear a priest? Perhaps that was Commandment # 11, inadvertently omitted by an overworked scribe.

I have long believed that, for a good many people, allegiance to the Church has far less to do with the Church itself than with a desire for familial continuity and tradition. But the fact of the matter is that it gets harder and harder for ethical people to sustain allegiance to a church whose practices and beliefs are so far out of the mainstream of modern morality. And I believe that what we are seeing now is a church in its death throws.

As a woman who was raised Catholic and who, after much serious contemplation, chose to reject the Church wholeheartedly, I can only say: come on in, the water’s fine. It may not be holy, but at least it doesn’t stink of hypocrisy.

- which element of modern society should be “upended with all deliberate speed”

- what, besides writing, I’m passionate about

- my advice to teen writers

Feast your mind!

I’ll be involved in three events:

Thursday, March 18th at 10 AM
at the Muhlenburg Branch of the New York Public Library, located at 209 West 23rd Street (between 7th and 8th Avenues). I’ll be reading from (Re)Cycler, along with the following other authors:

Emma McLaughlin
Courtney Sheinmel
Jennifer Smith

Friday, March 19th at 2PM
at the New York Public Library, South Court on 42nd Street and 5th Avenue (the one with the lions). I’ll be speaking on a panel, entitled “Using Genre to Tell the True Story of Adolescence.” Fellow panelists include:

Judy Blundell
Sarah Beth Durst
Diana Peterfreund
Sara Shepard
Maggie Stiefvater
Robin Wasserman

Sunday, March 21st, at 3:30 PM I’ll be signing copies of (Re)Cycler, along with nearly every other Young Adult Author you can think of at Books of Wonder, located at 18 West 18th Street (between 5th and 6th) . Yes, we’ll all be there, crammed into one book store!

If you’re in New York, come out and see me or check out some of the other outstanding events. Here’s the full schedule:

2010 NYC Teen Author Festival

Monday, 3/15 (NYPL, Tompkins Square Branch, 331 East 10th Street, 6pm):

First Draft to Final Draft – Talking About the Writing Process

featuring:
Gayle Forman
Daphne Grab
Carolyn Mackler
Sarah Mlynowski
Blake Nelson
Marie Rutkoski
Eliot Schrefer
Natalie Standiford

Tuesday, 3/16 (Barnes & Noble Tribeca, 97 Warren Street, 7pm):

Getting Inside the Mind of a Teen Boy

featuring:
Nick Burd
Matt de la Pena
Gordon Korman
David Levithan
Barry Lyga
Michael Northrup
Jon Skovron
Jake Wizner

Wednesday, 3/17 at 6PM New York Public Library South Court 42nd Street @ 5th Avenue :

The Treasure Map to Going Bovine with Will Grayson(s)
(or, an evening of readers’ theater)

featuring:
Libba Bray
John Green
David Levithan
E. Lockhart

Thursday, 3/18 (Five Borough Read, 10am):

Authors read to high school students and the public in libraries across the city.

Manhattan:

Countee Cullen Branch, NYPL, 104 W 136th St

Donna Freitas
Eliot Schrefer
Rachel Vail
Lynn Weingarten
Ebony Wilkins

Jefferson Market Branch, NYPL, 425 6th Ave

Gabe Guarente
Carla Jablonksi
Kristen Kemp
Barry Lyga
Samantha Schutz

Muhlenburg Branch, NYPL, 209 W 23rd St

Emma McLaughlin
Lauren McLaughlin
Courtney Sheinmel
Jennifer Smith

Mulberry Street Branch, NYPL, 10 Jersey Street

Angie Frazier
Aimee Friedman
Alice Hoffman
Robin MacCready
Sarah Maclean
Amanda Marrone

Seward Park Branch, NYPL, 192 East Broadway

Cathleen Bell
Susane Colasanti
Matt De La Pena
Gayle Forman
Daphne Grab

Yorkville Branch, NYPL,, 222 East 79th St

Micol Ostow
Robin Palmer
Shani Petroff
Robyn Schneider
Abby Sher
Jake Wizner
Michelle Zink

Brooklyn:

Central Branch, Brooklyn Public Library, Dweck Auditorim, 10 Grand Army Plaza

Emily Horner
Melissa Kantor
O.Rhuday-Perkovich
Matthue Roth
Siobhan Vivian
Adrienne Maria Vrettos
Melissa Walker
Robin Wasserman

Bronx:

Bronx Library Center, NYPL, 310 East Kingsbridge Road

Coe Booth
Sarah Darer Littman
Neesha Meminger
Maryrose Wood

Queens:

Broadway Branch, QPL, 40-20 Broadway, Long Island City

Jessica Blank
Sarah Burningham
Heather Duffy-Stone
Marianne Mancusi
Elizabeth Scott

Staten Island:

West New Brighton Branch, NYPL, 976 Castleon Avenue

Elizabeth Eulberg
David Levithan
Michael Northrup
Kieran Scott

Thursday Evening, 3/18 (Books of Wonder, 18 W 18th St, 6-8pm):

Sourcebooks Fire Launch Party

featuring authors Lisa Brown, Anne Eliot Crompton, Helen Ellis, Adele Griffin,
AND
the rocking tunes of Tiger Beat! (with Libba Bray, Dan Ehrenhaft, Barnabas Miller, and Natalie Standiford)

Friday morning, 3/19 (Scholastic, 557 Broadway, in-house only)

Scholastic Event

Reading:
Alexandra Bullen
Eireann Corrigan
Elizabeth Eulberg
Angie Frazier
Alice Hoffman
Sarah Darer Littman
O.Rhuday-Perkovich
Eliot Schrefer
Samantha Schutz
Jordan Sonnenblick
Natalie Standiford
Maggie Stiefvater
Siobhan Vivian
Suzanne Weyn
Ebony Wilkins

Signing:
Judy Blundell
Coe Booth
Aimee Friedman
Sarah Maclean
Michael Northrup
Matthue Roth
Lisa Sandell
Lynn Weingarten

Friday, 3/19 (South Court, 42nd Street, 2-5 and 7-9:30)

NYC Teen Author Festival Symposium

Afternoon

2:00 Introduction

2:10 – 3:00: Using Genre to Tell the True Story of Adolescence

featuring:
Judy Blundell
Sarah Beth Durst
Lauren McLaughlin
Diana Peterfreund
Sara Shepard
Maggie Stiefvater
Robin Wasserman

3:00 – 3:30: Making a First Impression – 2010 Debut Authors

featuring:
Angie Frazier
Emily Horner
Alyssa Sheinmel
Ebony Wilkins

3:30 – 4:15: Grief, Loss, and the YA Novel

featuring:
Alexandra Bullen
Heather Duffy-Stone
Donna Freitas
Alice Hoffman
Sarah Darer Littman
Lisa Ann Sandell
Samantha Schutz

4:15 – 5: The Boy You Can’t Have

featuring:
Susane Colasanti
Elizabeth Eulberg
Robin Palmer
Elizabeth Scott
Melissa Walker
Maryrose Wood

5-6: Break

Evening

6:00 – A Tribute to Regina Hayes

featuring:
Sarah Dessen
Joy Peskin
Jacqueline Woodson

6:45 – 8:30: What it Feels Like for a Girl – Writing in a Teen Girl’s Voice

featuring:
Jessica Blank
Eireann Corrigan
Sarah Dessen
Jenny Han
Terra Elan McVoy
Siobhan Vivian
Adrienne Maria Vrettos
Jacqueline Woodson

Saturday, 3/20 (Bartos Forum, 42nd Street, 1pm):

Stuff for the Teen Age Event
Come check out Stuff for the Teen Age, The New York Public Library’s list of the hottest books, movies, music, and video games from 2009. Talk with your favorite authors. Rock out to your favorite songs. Have fun. Hear a very special presentation from keynote speaker, Libba Bray, the author of Going Bovine.

Sunday afternoon:
Books of Wonder Signing (2-6)

NOTE: Because of the number of authors, signings will be in shifts. Below is the approximate schedule, which is subject to change

2:00-2:45
Alma Alexander
Nora Baskin
Cathleen Davitt Bell
Judy Blundell
Libba Bray
Coe Booth
Elise Broach
Alexandra Bullen
Nick Burd
Sarah Burningham
Susane Colasanti
Matt De La Pena
Violet Haberdasher
Maggie Stiefvater

2:45-3:30
Tom Dolby
Heather Duffy-Stone
Sarah Beth Durst
Elizabeth Eulberg
Gayle Forman
Aimee Friedman
Jenny Han
Alice Hoffman
Carla Jablonksi
Melissa Kantor
Kristen Kemp
Michelle Knudsen
Peter Lerangis
David Levithan

3:30-4:15
Sarah Darer Littman
Barry Lyga
Robin MacCready
Carolyn Mackler
Sarah Maclean
Marianne Mancusi
Amanda Marrone
Wendy Mass
Lauren McLaughlin
Neesha Meminger
Sarah Mlynowski
Michael Northrup
Robin Palmer

4:15-5:00
Diana Peterfreund
Shani Petroff
O.Rhuday-Perkovich
Matthue Roth
Marie Rutkoski
Lisa Ann Sandell
Samantha Schutz
Elizabeth Scott
Kieran Scott
Courtney Sheinmel
Sara Shepard
Abby Sher
Jon Skovron

5:00-5:45
Jennifer Smith
Natalie Standiford
Rachel Vail
David Van Etten
Siobhan Vivian
Adrienne Maria Vrettos
Melissa Walker
Robin Wasserman
Suzanne Weyn
Lynn Weingarten
Martin Wilson
Jake Wizner
Maryrose Wood
Michelle Zink

BONUS EVENTS:

Also keep in mind…

Before the Festival:

March 11: Blake Nelson and the Care Bears on Fire at Barnes & Noble, Union Square, 33 E 17th St, 7pm, for a night of reading and rock

After the Festival:

April 14: The Next Teen Author Reading Night, 6-7:30 at the Jefferson Market Branch of NYPL, 425 6th Ave, at 10th St.

Helen Ellis, The Turning
David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus, Dedication
Sarah Mlynowski, Gimme a Call
Marie Rutkoski, The Celestial Globe
Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule
Rachel Vail, Brilliant
Adrienne Maria Vrettos, The Exile of Gigi Lane

ALL WRITERS OF FICTION MUST READ HER LIST. IT’S SO RIGHT, IT SHOULD BE PRESSED IN BRONZE.

It’s shockingly easy to forget that we are writing these novels for readers, therefore we should have their interests and desires in mind. Miller does a fantastic job of crystallizing the mistakes we most often make. I won’t quote the whole thing, but my favorite bit is this:

The components of a novel that readers care about most are, in order: story, characters, theme, atmosphere/setting.

Of course, you already know that, writers. But don’t you frequently forget that you know it? Print it out and tape it above your desk.

I’m still technically a rookie in the fiction department, so you probably shouldn’t take my advice on anything. Nevertheless, I couldn’t resist adding to the genre. And so I give you, McLaughlin’s Rules for Writing Better Novels.

1) Stop hating yourself. Actually, if you want to hate yourself, that’s fine, but please stop creating self-loathing protagonists. The strategy is so poignantly obvious. By creating a nerd/geek/loser/fill-in-the-blank misfit who repeatedly refers to him or herself as a nerd/geek/loser/fill-in-the-blank misfit, you’re trying to get the reader to effectively say: “Why no, protagonist (read: author), you’re not a loser. You’re amazing. So smart, so clever, so insightful. It’s the world that’s messed up. Here, have a cookie.” This is little more than a thinly-veiled attempt at getting the kudos you think you were cheated out of in high school. Get over it already.

2) Stay fit. Writing is back-breaking work. You have to sit for a long time to grind out all those words, then re-grind them over and over again until they sparkle. Take breaks. Go for a walk. Do yoga or pilates. Take up Tango. Something. But don’t become, what Woofy once called “a brain in a jar.” Writing is mind work, but it takes a fit body to endure the long sit.

3) Get dressed. Don’t shlump around in cruddy clothes or pajamas. If you look sloppy, you’ll feel sloppy. And if you feel sloppy, you’ll probably write sloppily. Would it kill you to put on a pair of trousers? Do you think Hemingway wrote in sweatpants? Honestly, I have no idea whether this will improve your writing. It’s more of a thing I have against the on-going creep of casual dressing, so take it for what it’s worth.

4) If at all possible, live within walking distance of a library. The walk there will clear your head before you begin writing. Plus, if you’re lucky, the nearest branch will not have wireless so No Tweeting For You! Just three solid hours of words, words, words, followed by a lovely walk home then lunch. There is no better way to enjoy the writer’s life. Seriously, a ham sandwich is always good. But after 2000 words and a nice walk, it’s even more delicious. Hopping out to a cafe to meet other writer friends is also good and has the added benefit of providing you with living, breathing thesauri.

5) Be fanatical in your commitment to the story, but clear-eyed in your understanding of the market. That does not mean that you should write for the market. You should only ever write what you passionately believe. Write the story you hunger to read. But, if the market for that particular genre or subject is small, think about other ways to earn a living. That way, you can remain true to your artistic convictions without having to worry about the rent.

I’m pretty sure if you follow those five rules, you will automatically achieve instant success. So, go get ‘em, Tiger!

P.S., if I’m wrong, just do what Elmore Leonard said. He’s pretty smart.

- be a rookie novelist and rookie Mom at the same time

- realize you’ve been whitewashing your fiction

- have your hair sucked

If you’ve never visited Justine’s blog, now’s the time. You can thank me later.

Ta!

Take, for example, what I call Starbucks Personality Disorder.

Is it possible that Starbucks is to blame for most of America’s ills? Think about it. In the olden days, people used to have a cup or two of coffee a day and those cups were small. Even a “large” coffee in, say, the nineteen-fifties, would be dwarfed by Stabucks’ smallest offerings. Not only that, but Starbucks routinely increases the caffeine levels in its beverages, just to keep you hooked. Is it possible that all this extra caffeine is making us edgier? Angrier? With shorter fuses?

Personally, I had to give up caffeine completely a while back because of the horrifying mood swings it was causing, which I discussed in detail here. What if we’re having mood swings on a national scale? It makes you wonder if the Tea Party–a band of angry nut jobs if there ever was one–might be aptly named. Maybe they should switch to herbal and they wouldn’t be so angry all the time.

So what do you think? Mutant musing or world-changing brainwave?