This New York Times column by Judith Warner attempts to explain the tragic death of Carl Walker-Hoover by placing it in the context of what she considers to be our stubbornly regressive ideas about gender. In the process she makes a lot of grand, sweeping statements like:

“fag” and “gay” are now among the most potent and feared weapons in the school bully’s arsenal.

I think she misses the mark here. There is nothing new about using the word “fag” or “gay” as an insult. Those words have been with us for a long time. Sometimes they’re used to describe perceived homosexuality and sometimes they’re used more broadly to indicate weakness, effeminateness, nerdiness, or just about anything negative. But I don’t think an emphasis on words is useful here. The English language is ungovernable. We’re not the French. We don’t have a committee overseeing usage. English is a rapidly-evolving free-for-all. When it comes to insults, people, –kids especially–will use whatever words feel right to them no matter how uncomfortable they make us. Or they’ll just fall back on the old stand-by’s like “gay” and “fag.” Oh, and occasionally, “girl.”

To be sure, this does indeed reflect the patriarchal hetero-normative strain in our society. But, I’m not sure it’s safe to assume that this strain is on the rise, as Warner implies throughout her column. Rather, it is merely one of many strains fighting for dominance in the battle of ideas that is American culture. And, actually, I think it’s losing. Sadly, it still has the power to inflict heavy damages, but it’s wrong and, I think, destructively pessimistic to imply that we are moving backwards on the subject of gender and sexual orientation. We are most definitely moving forward on both fronts. We are becoming freer, kinder, more tolerant. The fact that so many kids reacted with horror to the death of little Carl is proof of that.

I would hate for this moment of heightened awareness to be squandered on a fruitless assault on language. It’s not about language. It’s about cruelty versus kindness. Carl’s death and its aftermath reveal both of these things at work. Let’s use this moment to remind kids that they get to choose which one to embrace.

Five Awesome YA Fans created this beautiful (and silent) video in honor of Carl Walker-Hoover, an eleven-year-old boy who took his own life after being severely bullied by his classmates who thought he was gay.

Bullying is not okay and we should not be afraid to fight it. Parents and educators need to take it seriously and to reinforce the value of kindness over cruelty. We should be silent today for Carl, who the world failed tragically, but we should not be silent about bullying anymore.

Learn more at DayOfSilence.org.